I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Twitter remains undefeated
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”