“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Happy Friday
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.