I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
why isn’t he texting back
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car