Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
🤣could you imagine
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]