Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story