I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You Might Also Like
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.