society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.