Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined