Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]