Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!