It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Stop sending me this shit.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”