dutch so unserious
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.