microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*