banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“i miss shittin on people”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.