Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
selena gomez
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I never needed anything more in my life
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough