Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!