I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
it’s the silliest best thing
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business