1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.