Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Never forget.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.