Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.