The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Called it
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.