I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.