Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me trying to reach for my goals
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming