interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”