All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Who did it better?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words