Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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road rage
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters