If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.