While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Nomnomnomnom
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.