VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.