Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.