Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Why you watching this shit?”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out