I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.