him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure