Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.