The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Things will get butter, keep churning
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes