[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
just got my engagement photos
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?