fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl