my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”