*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I have obtained a hat
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*