when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Candles never taste the way they smell
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence