Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
You Might Also Like
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room