THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Smells like a challenge to me
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.