WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You Might Also Like
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house