I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind