[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
You Might Also Like
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I identify as an antique shop.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*