[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.