Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.