My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.