Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically