I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I love the National Park Service.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.